Due to scheduling, I can't make WW today. So I have to miss a week. Probably not a bad thing. I didn't eat out hardly at all other than like Subway. But we BBQ'd this weekend and try as I might, I could not keep to 4 oz of meat. That was pretty much all I ate. I can pass up beans and potato salad easily. But steak? No way. So I tried to at least have smaller pieces of everything which included chicken breasts, steak and ham. =/ Well at least I got my protein in.

I didn't track hardly at all over the weekend. Kinda had a case of "I don't give a shit" going on. It comes and goes. And I have to try to fight it every day. Every friggin day.

When I'm watching what I eat, I feel better. I look better. My hair even looks better. My GERD goes away almost completely. So why is it so hard to want that every day? No, I'd rather feel like crap, look like crap than give up eating lasagna or cheeseburgers? How dumb is that? But it's true. It has been true my whole life.

Just gotta keep telling myself, "not this time" and hang in there.

But most of all, I want to lose weight so I can tell the ass I work with who doesn't like bigger people to kiss MY ass once he starts being nicer to me when I get thinner.

Painful week

So somehow I managed to hurt my something between my shoulder and collar bone. It's gotten increasingly worse, particullary at work while typing. Or at night if I'm on the computer at home. But there, it's not as much typing. The mouse also gives me trouble. Last night, I started having what feels like spasm in my neck around the larnex. I'm assuming it's related. I took a muscle relaxer and 2 klonapins this morning, which act like a muscle relaxer to a degree. While the pain is better, I'm kind of a zombie. It also makes me hungry. It's 10:30 and I've had a banana, grapes and 2 cheese sticks (from WW). I'm working on a large cup of coffee and got peanut butter bar from the machine which is only 7 points. Hoping some sugar and proteim will help wake me up.

So yeah, ignore typos today. My give-a-shit meter is on 0. I will probably have to seek medical attention here soon but I'm trying to avoid the ER so I'll see how the weekend goes.

I find that a big hunger trigger for me is being tired. Bored and tired are bad ones. It's like my body knows it's dragging and is trying to fuel up.

Well too much typing already. Try again tomorrow.

I'll take it

So I lost another 1.8 pounds, making it 14 total in 3 weeks. I walked into the meeting feeling very fat like I had gained weight instead of lost. When the lady said "down 1.8" I said, "I'll take it."

The combination of the pancake debacle (see previous blog) and eating out three times this week, made me feel like a blob. But I guess I did OK. Seems eating all 48 points, I will lose about 2 pounds a week. When I ate less points, I lost more. However, according to those who know better, if you don't eat your points consistently, when you reach the weight where you can only have, say, 32, points, your body will hit that dreaded platue (sp?) because it's used to that amount of calories. Slow and steady or fast and furious? Most of me says "FAST!" but that one small part of my brain with some sense knows fast only means for a few weeks. So while I can try to push to lose more weight early on, I know eventually it slows down no matter how little I'm eating. So I'm trying to be smarter about it all this time. If I follow the points and lose 4-5 pounds this week, well then I just give a WOOHOO and assume I exercised more or something.

LIARS!

I start this off saying I am well aware I eat out wayyy to often. I'm working on that.

However, to help make better choices I try to get nutritional info before I go. I had done that a little with IHOP but not a complete assessment of the menu.

Went yesterday and after careful consideration, and deciding I really wanted pancakes, I made the assumption that the Harvest Nut and Grain pancakes would be the better choice.

WRONG!

I got home and went to the nutritional info and those damn things had more calories than every other kind of pancake minus the cheesecake ones. EVEN CHOCHOLATE CHIP!!!!

Granted, maybe some have more sugar but after adding it all up, IT'S 19 POINTS! FOR 3 PANCAKES!!! Ugh I was so mad.

The only saving grace was the turkey bacon that came with it which was only 100 calories for 4 slices.

I couldn't copy and paste the way it reads but you can figure it out. Calories = 1st number; Fat = 2nd number, and so on.

So now I will have to read this stuff for every restaurant I go unless sticking with obvious things like salad or grilled chicken or something.

Weigh-in is tomorrow and now I dread it :(

Calories

Fat Calories

Total Fat (g)

Saturated

Fat (g)

Trans Fat (g)

Cholesterol (mg)

Sodium (mg)

Total

Carbohydrates (g)

Fiber (g)

Sugar (g)

Protein

(3) Original Buttermilk Pancakes 490 160 18 8 1 80 1610 69 4 13 13

(3) Strawberry Pancakes 520 120 13 4.5 0.5 60 1560 87 5 22 14

(3) Strawberry Banana Pancakes 600 120 13 4.5 0.5 60 1560 109 8 34 15

(3) New York Cheesecake Pancakes 850 300 34 16 1.5 140 1830 118 6 42 19

(3) Double Blueberry Pancakes 640 120 13 4.5 0.5 60 1630 117 9 50 14

(3) Cinnamon Apple Pancakes 510 120 13 4.5 0.5 60 1620 86 5 28 14

(3) Chocolate Chip Pancakes 550 170 19 8 0.5 60 1550 85 6 25 15

(3) Harvest Grain ‘N Nut® Pancakes 700 340 39 10 0 100 1380 71 8 17 18

(3) CINN-A-STACK™ Pancakes 690 200 23 8 1 70 1700 106 4 46 14

<------- These? Awesome. Sometimes, I just feel like a hot dog. My daughter found these last night and on Weight Watchers, they are only 1 point each! I can have a gazzilion of these things! Minus the bread but that's Ok. Most times I eat hotdogs on a bed of sourkraut, dill relish and onions anyway. Yeah, I know..the breath is dreadful but mmmmmm.

Eating healthy, as I've started before, requires money. I'm so broke this week I can't afford to pay attention. So I'm having to eat whatever is available. But I'm finding that it's not as hard as I thought. Like yesterday, I had some frozen banquet chicken tenders in the freezer. I serving size is 5 so I tossed the numbers in my WW calculator and they were only 5 points. Tossed a cucumber on the plate with some Italian low fat dressing and it was fine. Last night, hot dogs, and see the great find? Sure, they aren't .99 like the really cheap kind, but the point is, I can eat anything. I just have to control the servings.

However, I still have a problem with that at night. I didn't eat a lot during the day and wound up really hungry come dinner time. Plus I am still eating dinner WAY too late. Sometimes around 9 p.m. and by then, I'm starving. So relearning my eating habits, isn't just about what I'm eating. I'm got to this weight because of when I eat, what i eat and how much i eat. I would eat very little during the day, and if I did, it was usually crap and something fast and easy, then be hungry and eat too much at dinner or again, eat what was fast and easy. That's the hardest part about all of this is changing THOSE habits because really, I can have a cheeseburger if I want. I just have to make adjustments to what I eat for the rest of the day. Not the greatest choice but the point is I can and do so without putting on weight. So again, the hard part are all these other bad habits and also learning to rebudget to afford healthier food.

Yeah, I hear you people. QUIT SMOKING. I know, I'd save $35 a week. Crazy right? But one bad habit at a time. I have cut down a lot. But let me get this diet thing under control first.

Haven't blogged in a couple days because I was just not in the mood. Again the name of this blog is because I don't really WANT to do this. I have to. But I also have to go to work in the morning. I have to do laundry. I have to do dishes. I have to dye my hair to cover grays now. I have to use a twizzer on my face. I have to clean up after my dogs. There's a lot of things I HAVE to do that I don't WANT to do. But I do them. So this is something that I'm trying to get into my brain that is one of those HAVE too. No questions. No choices.

I've been a funk in general for a couple weeks. Granted, I've had a ton of stress factors going on but I also think something else is going on. Maybe my hormones are kicking back in after losing 12 pounds? Who knows. Thank God for Klonapins though. Hey, at least I'm honest.

Week 2, or week 3?

I weighed in for the second time but I'm on my 3rd week of dieting so not sure how that works. But I weighted in yesterday. Lost 2 lbs. I'm OK with that. I guess that's what I'm suppose to loose but of course, everyone likes to see numbers like 6, 8 or 10. But I know that's not reasonable. I realized as well that I can eat less points, right? And lose more weight faster. But what happens when I loose 40-50 lbs and I drop down to 29 points or something and now my body is used to eating that caloric intake. That's right, that's when you plateaue. However it's spelled. So I'm trying to eat the full 48 points for now even if it means slower weight loss. It should at least help it remain steady. Guess I will find out.

Emotionally a very hard week for me. So if I can get through this week ahead of the game I will be amazed. It's not like I want to just eat everything, it's more like not caring about anything. Which is why I am in this boat. Just didn't care what I ate as long as it was fast or cheap, etc.

Anyway, back to work time. Work has been hell this week. Man when it rains it pours, don't it?

Old habits die hard

Had an uneventful weekend for the most part. Sunday we went to Sardis Lake with the baby and that was a workout. Walking uphill, chasing the baby. But I hadn't eaten much all day. Saturday night I had a hungry night. No matter what I ate I was still hungry. I tried to maintain and at least eat good choices but I feel like I over ate. I was under points still but I still felt like I didn't do a good job. I made black bean burgers with Brandon, roasted potatoes and onions and zuchini I bought from the Farmer's Market. But then had a bun with WW cheese and then at 4 a.m. (yes I was still up) a bagel thin with cream cheese. Back to Sunday... I didn't eat much after that 4 a.m bagel and we went to IHOP around 7 p.m. I ordered steak tips w/broccoli, roasted potatoes and salad. Sounds OK, right? Well, the steak was twice the amount of what I should have eaten and I think the potatoes were fried. But I ate it...all. I felt bad afterward. Not sick, sure I was full. But I felt like such a failure that I can't control my portions when it comes to foods I love, like steak. I didn't even try to add the points.

But I am on track this morning so I guess that's what's important.

Bah.

I feel lighter today. I know 10 or so pounds can't make that much of a difference but for whatever reason I just feel less fat today. Maybe it's cause I dyed my hair last night which just always makes me feel better. I've gotten so much gray this year it's terrible. So for today, I feel younger and can wear my hair up without feeling that people are only looking at my gray hair.

I hurt though. Got bursitis in the shoulder and it's causing me grief. My mom is getting a bit better but now they've found a tumor under her liver. I'd be more alarmed if it was IN her liver but it's still cause for concern. The baby has an ear infection. So many stressors.

Last night I was sooo hungry so I went to the store and bought salad fixins. Ate a huge salad with dinner which helped. Diet Ranch is better than it used to be that's for sure. But I'm not in love with it. Anyone know a really really good diet dressing?

Weekend is here. Yay! It was a pretty easy week though.

I've thought about exercising lately but good gosh it's freaking hot outside. Like way hot. Florida hot. Even at night.

Ah well...enough of the rambling today. Bring on the weekend!

Success = failure

I don't know what it is about my brain. I lose 10 pounds in one week and almost immediatly I have cravings for pizza and junk food and general feelings of wanting to quit. It's like, there's something in my head that doesn't want me to lose weight. I've been to therapists and such over the years and I can't figure out what my mind is afraid of. What does it fear by me looking or feeling better? Whatever it is, I think I share it with my daughter, Amanda. I notice she gets a similiar reaction. If anyone has any clue why our minds do this, please let me know. I want to shut it up. I really want to do this this time. I have to. I just really have to. Emotional day today. I don't know why. I've stayed on track however, eating closer to my points than I did last week because I am eating more but still staying under my point values.

Some days I just don't care. But I do care, obviously or it wouldn't bother me. I'm hanging in there thought.

Go me!

I lost 10.6 pounds the first week of WW. I almost fell on the floor and the poor lady was sure she was doing something wrong.

I'm sure some was water and a big part was probably just from me not drinking Coke, however I have had a few diet cokes. I'm well aware I won't experience that kind of weight loss on a regular basis but it sure was fun. I celebrated at IHOP....lol. I did splurge just a tad but I still did OK. I had eggs with steak and yeah there was some cheese. But I had a salad and not pancakes or hashbrowns. So I still made some better choices. I was kept entertained by Arianna having her first kids' meal of scrambles eggs and tiny pancakes which she decided looked better on the floor, in her hair, on the kid sitting next to us...

Got my points calculator too so that should make keeping track a bit easier. Gotta start thinking about exercise soon. I wanted to loose some weight before trying to put myself into too much of a tizzy. I hate exercise more than dieting. I did like zumba however so maybe I'll give that a try again.